Sunday, November 2, 2008

Send My Love To Heaven

What can I say about a girl I loved since I was ten….. that I love the way she laughs at me when I commit mistakes, the way she fusses over silly things and even the way she cries over some sad silly late night show? Somehow, I wished I could have told her that I love her but now there’s no hope in doing so. For now, it’s rather too late- too late for me to do so.

She was my best friend and I have known her since we were small. She knew all my secrets, which reveals my feelings for her, that I love her not only because she’s pretty and smart but also the way she laughs at everything and the way she sees life and love.

I could still remember the first time we met; I was five years old then. It was one windy afternoon having no one to play with except for my best friend, Troy. He and his family just moved out to transfer at a neighboring state because his father got promoted. And so I climbed up our tree house, I saw a moving truck coming down the street. I watched it approaching and noticed a family station wagon following it. It stopped in front of the house and out came a family. I was about to glance away when out came the loveliest girl I’ve seen. She was four years old that time but then even at an early age she was a beauty. She had long curly hair, which reached almost to her waist. She had fair complexion and eyes which could make a man lose his heart into them. I continued to watch her when suddenly she looked up and saw me watching them in the tree house window. I was about to duck when she smiled and waved her hand. I waved back then watched in amazement as I saw her running towards the tree house. So I went to the edge of the ladder and said, "Would you like to come up?" she answered, "May I?" So I help her climb up and when she reached the top she then turned to me and said, "By the way, my name’s Sam, what’s yours?" I answered, “My name is Christopher but then you can call me Chris." She smiled and said, “Well I like your name. Hey your tree house’s neat!" then I replied, “Thanks! Troy and I made this. This used to be our hide out. We used to goof around, play ball and go biking together. He was my best friend and I kind of miss him you know." She smiled and said "I’m here now, we could do things you do with troy and I could be your new best friend too. I never had a boy for a friend before so it could be exciting to have one. I could learn how to play ball and I have my bicycle so we could go biking together. Now how does that sound to you?" I smiled and said, "Well that sounds good enough." Then she held her hand and said, "It’s a deal then!" So that’s how it started.

So we became best friends and it was kind of strange at first for she was a girl and there are things which I was little bit hesitant to indulge her like catching frogs, swimming in the lake and climbing trees, but then she tried and did everything just to please me. There was even a time when she fell off the bike trying to catch up with me in a race we had and I was the one who bandaged her scraped knee. I could still remember the time when she hit the window of our neighbor when we were playing baseball and it was I who talked to Mr. Chambers and promised to pay for the damage, which meant having to loose a week’s allowance. I remembered the time when I fell off the tree when I tried to rescue a little kitten because Sam was near to tears when she saw the helpless kitten trapped in a branch. I even fought with the tough guy when they teased Sam and made her cry and I ended up having a black eye and a bruised cheek. I remember Sam crying as she placed an ice bag over the damaged eye and later gave it a get-well kiss. I did everything to please her and gave everything her little heart desires.

The lake was our favorite hang out. We had our Saturday swim routine. We would pack food and later eat them under the big oak tree. There was a special branch in which the two of us could sit together and tell each other’s dreams. She dreams of being a Ballerina and she knows my dream of becoming a doctor. She never laughs at my dreams and pursuits even if they were quite impossible. It made me like her even more.

As years went by, I noticed that my feelings towards her were slowly changing. Somehow, I thought it was just a simple crush case. But when I started thinking about her at night, dreaming of her and having the feeling of wanting to be with her all the time, I thought it was something different, something that made me feel strange, but then it was exhilarating feeling. It made me feel so alive. Whenever our hands touch, I could feel the tingling sensation in my spine. Once, when we were at the lake having our Saturday swim routine and as I carried her towards the water edge, I had the feeling of not wanting to let go. I just wanted that moment to continue hoping it would never end. I then realized I was slowly falling in love with my best friend.

Many times I tried to deny the feeling for I was scared to imagine what would happen if ever I’d try to tell her how I feel about her. I was scared because she might think that I’m taking advantage of her and our friendship. I was afraid of losing her so I just kept my feeling hidden.

We reached the age of fifteen and I noticed that Sam grew lovelier each day. How my heart aches wherever I see boys glance her way. I want to punch their noses as I watch them talking to her giving compliments, flowers and chocolates. There were times when I watch her at a distance mixed feelings of anger and hurt because it hurts so much to know that there were so many things I wanted to tell her but then I could not do so. There were so many presents which I long to give her but then I could not for she might see me only as a friend. I was also scared of letting her know how I feel about her as much as losing her.

Then one day, I just learned from a friend that she already had a boyfriend. At first, I tried to convince myself that it was just a rumor. Her boyfriend was Mark, a popular senior, who was the heartthrob of the campus. She, being the cheerleader was close to the basketball team which Mark was the captain. When I saw them walking together at the parking lot that afternoon, I watched her with my heart slowly breaking into pieces. I saw her wave at me but I just pretended not to see her for I was scared that she might see in my eyes the pain I’m feeling inside because of seeing her with another guy.

Those days that followed where the saddest days of my life. How my heart aches when I see her walk by me with him at her side. every time we meet in hallways and I see him around her, there’s a feeling inside me that makes me want to grab her away from him. How it hurts to see the girl I long possess was now owned by somebody else. That special smile I long for her to cast on me was now casted on him as she passes by me she doesn’t know that I whisper the words "God how I love you."

Then one faithful day they broke up. She came too me that evening crying on my shoulder. They had a big fight and it ended up to their break up. Mixed feelings were scaring me inside. I was happy because she was free and maybe I would have the chance of telling her my true feelings for her but then I was feeling so bad because she is crying her heart out just for him. At that time, I was not quite sure of what I wanted to do.

So we found ourselves doing what we did in old days with our Saturday swim routine, spending time in our tree house. We still enjoyed doing childish pranks for we still are both young at heart.

So many chances I had for me to confess my feelings for her but still I couldn’t bring myself to her for I was scared of losing her once more. I once lost her, now I could not bear of losing her again by telling her I love her. So I just kept my feelings even if it was bursting to be expressed from my aching heart.

It was a week from our JS Prom, we were seated at the branch of an oak tree drying ourselves after our afternoon swim when she said, "I was wondering Chris if you would like to be my partner?" It just got out of my wits for it was like a dream I never thought would happen. It took me awhile to answer her, "I thought there are so many boys who would die for you to be their partner?" So she turned away and quietly said, "Well I just thought I would like to spend that night with my best friend." Then she continued in a whisper I could barely hear, "Don’t you want to die just like them to be my partner Chris?" I was too stunned to speak for it came close for me to blurt my feelings for her. We we’re silent for a while until I finally whispered, "I would be happy to be your partner Sam." The she smiled and suddenly kissed my cheek. I could hardly contain the joy I felt that time. I saw her turned red and bowed her head. Suddenly she stood up and run towards the water saying, "Last one to reach the water treats to sundae fudge!" I ran slowed up so that I would lose which meant having to have her with me for another three hours or more.

Our Prom night came. I bought a new tuxedo and poured almost the entire bottle of perfume. I went to fetch Sam. Sam’s mother greeted me and I went to sit in the living room waiting for her to come down. I was talking to her father when I heard her say, "How do I look?" I look up and saw her lovelier than ever in a strapless white dress with her hair flowing around her face. I stood up and opened my mouth but found out I could not find my voice. Then I got her hand shakily fastened the corsage around her wrist and whispered, "To the loveliest girl in the whole world." She then asked, “Is that true?" I nodded and she smiled and I smiled back then I turned to open the door for her.

When we arrived at the gymnasium we hardly recognized our classmates. Gone were the jeans and T-shirts. They were replaced with tuxedos and gowns. Then I held out her hand bowed and said," Would you give me the honor of your first dance?" She laughed and curtseyed. Then I led her to the dance floor.

It was like a dream coming true, a moment of enchantment. I was there dancing with the only girl I ever loved. She was smiling up to me, as we were slowly moving in a smooth gliding motion. I found myself lost as I stared down to her sparkling eyes. The curls of her long hair were like waves enhancing her beautiful face. There were so many things I wanted to tell her that moment. I wanted to tell that she was the most beautiful girl that night. I wanted to tell her that she would always be the beacon of light in my darkness, but what I wanted to tell her the most was that I love her. I drew up all my courage and bent to whisper it in her ear but suddenly the music stopped and the magic was gone. I came close to telling her, but still haven’t done it.

We walked towards the table and found ourselves surrounded by friends. I asked her if she wanted a drink, she nodded and so I went to get one. It took me a long time to get one and when I returned to our table, she was gone. I asked her friend, Katie, where she was but she told me that she doesn’t know. So I went and search for her.

As I was searching for her, I reached the garden. There I saw two silhouette figures outlined by the moon’s silvery light. They were so close to each other. I could never describe the feeling I had when I recognized the white dress Sam was wearing that night. I just turned and left the gymnasium. Since that night, I avoided her. Many times she tried talking to me but I never gave her the chance to do so. I was afraid to hear her say that she loves Mark and not me. I would rather have left in ignorance of her true feelings for me than to hear from those dreaded words and feel my hope crush and my heart break. I didn’t return her calls. I would not see her if she comes into our house. In the hallways, as she approaches I would go to another direction. It also hurts to do those things but then I thought that was the best way to forget her. Those months were tormenting but still I kept my pride.

The day of our graduation came. I was planning to take up medicine at a neighboring state and was to move out the next day. As the program ended, she approached me and handed me a rose. As she stared at me. There was something in her eyes I couldn’t describe. There was sadness in them and when she smiled it wasn’t the same smile she had. I wanted to hug her at that moment, tell her that I love her but then she turned and walked away from me.

So I moved out the next day as I planned. Luckily, I was accepted at the university. I concentrated with my studies but still I think of her at night. I was always wondering if she thinks of me too. I tried hard not to think of her but still I could not stop myself from loving her. Each achievement I have was done for her. I thought that if I will be successful one day, I would be able to tell her that I love her and by that time, I’m worthy of having her.

It was a year after our graduation when I decided to return home and see her again. I thought a year is too much for me not to see her and during the past year I felt like a person lost in the desert and only the sight of her could quench the thirst I have inside. As I got off the plane, I went home directly, desperate to get to her house desperate to see her, to hug her. Then I would tell her that I missed her and that I have loved her for a long time. This time I am determined to let her know my true feelings for her and I could not contain anymore the love I have for her.

I reached their house; I saw her older sister and I approached her. I smiled at her but I noticed she didn’t smile back. I was confused for she used to be a cheerful lasy just like my dear Sam. I then asked," Hi Jen! I guess you’re surprised why I’m here. Well I just want to visit you and I was also hoping to see Sam. I kind of miss her you know. Ummm………bby the way have you seen her?" All I saw was sadness in her eyes as she replied quietly "Come follow me."

I was confused with the way she’s acting but still I followed her. As we were walking, I was trying to indulge her in a conversation but just answered my questioned briefly. Then I realized that she was leading me to the direction of the lake. It was still the same as I left it, with the same oak tree Sam and I used to climb up. I smiled upon remembering the kiss Sam gave me when I agreed to be her partner. It’s been one of the happiest days in my life and I realized that I missed Sam more than I thought. The Jen stopped walking and pointed to the tree. She then whispered, "There’s Sam."

I looked at where she was pointing and saw a newly dug tomb with the name of the girl I ever loved. I could not believe at what I saw and desperately tried convincing myself that this is all just a nightmare and I would soon wake up.

I stared at Jenny in disbelief with her eyes searching for explanations and slowly started saying," It has been a week since she died. She died of Leukemia, but even though she was sick, she never stopped thinking about you. It was even your name she uttered before she died. She asked us to bury her here for she always regards this place as a place of LOVE. She said that this is where she had spent the happiest days and that was when she was with you. By the way, she also asked me to give you this." She handed me a parcel and with that she left.

I slowly opened the parcel and saw that it contained the dried orchid from the corsage I gave her for our prom. Then at the bottom I saw a letter. It was dated last month. I opened it with shaking hands and started reading……..

******************************

I know by this time you read this letter I’m gone. I just want to tell you that I feel very lucky and thankful to God that I had a friend like you. I would also like you to know that I had left something inside, something I kept from you all these years. I love you Chris, not in a friendly way but as one who would feel like spending the rest of my life with. I have always loved you even from the start. I guess it just bloomed each day that’s why the happiest days of my life was when you were by my side. You just don’t know how I dreamed of you at night and wake up in the morning and dream no more for you are with me. When you are away, I can’t stop crying because I’m afraid to think that you are with another girl. I just can’t bear to see you with another girl. I just want you all to myself. I may sound selfish but that’s how I feel. Each time you held me close to you was like a dream coming true for to be close to you and feel your heart beating next to mine was heaven. So many things I did so that you will learn to love me but I NEVER saw a hint. I did everything to please you because I love you so much that I even tried to full myself that you’re in love with me too. So many nights I’ve cried when I think of myself unloved by you. Well you might think that what I’m saying are lies but, I tell you, my heart speaks the truth for I cannot bear telling a lie to the one I love.

I know you might be thinking of Mark but I just did that to make you jealous, to make you see me as a young woman, capable of loving and not as the little girl you used to play with. Sometimes I imagined that you were jealous and fooled myself that it was a sign that you feel something for me too. When Mark and I broke up and I came crying, I just did that to know how you would react and with that I’ll know that you love me too. But I failed for you didn’t give me any clue. When our prom night came, you just don’t know how happy I was when you handed me the corsage and saying that I was the loveliest girl in the whole world. While we were dancing, I wanted so desperately to hear you say that you love me too but you NEVER did. When Mark came and pleaded me to give him a second chance, I was scared that you might see us talking. I didn’t want you to get the wrong impression so I told him we would talk in the garden. There I explained to him that it’s you whom I really love. What happened next was that I found you missing and later learned that you were searching for me, I just concluded that you saw us together. The next day, I tried to explain but then you never gave me a chance to do so. You continuously avoided me and never knew how much pain I’ve experienced that time. I felt the world crushing on me. In our Graduation day, when I approached you, I wanted to tell you how much I love you but I decided that I just couldn’t do it. I could not bear to hear that all you feel for me is just brotherly hand of love. For I want you to love me as a woman and not as a girl or playmate. So I just turned away and left.

Now that saying I LOVE YOU might be too late, still I want you to know that I will always love you and my heart has always been and will be yours alone.

P.S.
Think of me sometimes…. and always remember that loving you was the best thing that ever happened in my life.

************************************

I felt my tears falling as I folded the letter. I wanted to shout out to let her know that I love her, if not as much, but more than she did for me. I love her more than anything in this world. I knelt touching the soil of her grave and rain started to fall. I continued crying softly and whispered, "Oh God, send my love to heaven."

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

10 THINGS LOSERS DO ON FRIENDSTER

ONE:

Stop posting multiple bulletins!!!

People would read your bulletin if they
really want to!

Or even stop saying, "READ ME", like I
said, people would read it if they
want to.



TWO:

To the people who have like 1,000
friends,

are you serious?

You don’t know half the people!

You're stupid.

Go play in traffic.



THREE:

Don't ever post pictures and say

"OMG, I'm so ugly"

"OMG, I'm so fat"

because if you were,

you wouldn't post them.

And if u do u r a f*cking idiot.


FOUR:

Nobody cares about threats over the
internet.

Don't try to act hardcore with the
keyboard.

Fighting online is like racing in the
special Olympics,

even if you win, you're still retarded.



FIVE:

Quit crying because you're not on
some ones featured friends.

Who cares?

IT'S THEIR PROFILE!!!

NOT YOURS !!!



SIX:

Who really cares if I don't accept you
as a friend?

MOVE ON!!!

Don't send me another request or
message
asking

"What's up with you not adding me?"

I don't want you as a friend,

that's what's up dumbass!!!


SEVEN:

6th graders who have Friendster

and look like sluts, and act like
whores
go somewhere else because nobody

wants you here.


EIGHT:

If you have decided to read this,

you are a true Friendster Friend.

Real friends read their bulletins.


NINE:

I say you go and pass this on

and maybe it will finally get through
people's brains.


TEN:

And if you open a bulletin and it says
something like

" Repost this in 100 seconds or a ghost
will rape your dog

tonight, or "some dead skinless girl is
gonna rape your mom "

QUIT BEING A DUMB A$S!!



This is a test to see how many people

in your friends list

actually pay attention to you.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Does God Exist?

A university professor challenged his students with this question. Did God create everything that exists?
A student bravely replied yes, he did!"
"God created everything?" The professor asked.
"Yes, sir," the student replied.

The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created evil since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are then God is evil."
The student became quiet before such an answer.

The professor was quite pleased with himself and boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth.

Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question professor?" "Of course", replied the professor. The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?"

"What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?" The students snickered at the young man's question.

The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Everybody and every object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (- 460 degrees F) is the total absence of heat; all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have too little heat.

The student continued. "Professor, does darkness exist?"

The professor responded, "Of course it does".

The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact we can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."

Finally the young man asked the professor. "Sir, does evil exist?"

Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already said. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. "These manifestations are nothing else but evil."

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is not like faith, or love, that exist just as does light and heat. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."

The professor sat down.

The young mans name --- Albert Einstein


Thursday, September 6, 2007

A Piece of Something

While I was walking, I stopped for a while and thought of the things I don't have. Then I realized that the happiest moment of all people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it. Moreover, its also true that we don't know we've been missing until it arrives.

In the gate way of my heart, I put a sign that says "NO TRESSPASSING" but love came laughing and said "I ENTER EVERYWHERE". Love knows no reason, love knows no lies, and love defies all reason. Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, the romance and you find that you still care for that person. Love is supposed to be a wonderful feeling. It should inspire you and give joy and strength. But sometimes the things that give you joy and strength can also hurt you in the end.

When you love, you must not expect something in return; if you do, you're not loving but investing. If you love, you must prepare to accept pain. Don't go for looks, it can deceive you; don't go for wealth even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because only a smile makes a dark day seem bright.

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves. Otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. Never try to impress someone to make her/him fall in love with you because when you do you'll have to keep that standard for the rest of your life.

A sad thing about life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, you'll find out then or in the end that it was never bound to be and you just have to let her/him go. Maybe GOD wants us to meet a few wrong person, we should know to be grateful for the gift. We often don't see that person and that we don't always get what we want, but in the end of it all, we realize that what we wanted wasn't meant for us after all. Everything happens for a reason. When you fall down because you didn't get what you wanted, just sit, fight and be happy because God's thinking of something better for you.

It hurts to love someone and not being loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel. It's always better to have found the courage to love even if you lose it in the end than rather never finding love at all because we're too afraid to face its challenges. The greatest regrets in your life and our lives are the risks we did not take. If you are thinking something will make you happy, go for it. Remember that you pass this way only once.

GOD never closes the door without opening a window. He always gives us something better when he takes something away. Heartbreaks will last as long as you want and cut deep as you allow them to go; challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but learn from them. In a relationship god knows when you're hurting or crying. There you are given a chance to measure the importance of the relationship of the person and for yourself. When you grow, you don't become a better person, because you experience suffering. We have no right to ask when sorrow comes "Why this happened to me" unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way.

The reason god puts tears in your eyes is because he wants to put rainbow in your heart.

Words that are Silently Meant for You

Long ago I stopped saying all the tiny things I wanted to say. I figured that if someone wanted to hear them, they would pluck them from my thoughts and listen from my eyes.

The trouble with this is that when I need to say them now, I find myself all stutters and mumbles and under-my-breath-i-love-you’s, and none of the right words are loud enough.

I have never said them loud enough because I was so always afraid of the noise, Because so many people are shouting these things when they don’t really mean them, and i-love-you’s string across roads like electrical wires. Too commonplace, unfelt and fake.

What happens when I say these things and they are drowned out by everyone else’s noise?

She has figured out already that I am not going to come shouting about how I love her or want her or that I don’t want to live in this world without her. She knew all of this things from the beginning anyway. The day I summoned all my courage and gave her my heart, she figured out all of my secrets right then and there. And I never needed to say a word.

She knows how to harvest the things that I am thinking and keep them in boxes and letters and unsigned doodles and someday, she might write a book about it.

She already knows that just by taking her hand I am saying more than just “I love you” and that I am finding a way to say it without sounding trite. She already knows that by brushing my fingers through her hair and resting my chin in her shoulder that I think she is beautiful.

Because the words are already there, repeated in glances and in touches and effortless breaths of everyday love, They don’t need sound frequencies or echoes because they will come in much louder and clearer without them.

It is understood and I never needed to say the words.

Her Protestations Notwithstanding

You deny that I have the keys for all of your locks
but close your eyes and remember the feel of it:

My lips on your ankle.

Is there any door of yours I cannot open?

How about all those times you've looked at me,
And then the times when you couldn't look at all?
You know those moments, as well as I do--
Your protestations notwithstanding,
You gave yourself into them the same--
As you give yourself in other ways, sometimes, still.

You know those moments, not as well as I do--
Moments I couldn't forget, or forgive myself if I did--
When you turned your head or turned your eyes,
Put your hands on your hips and rolled to one foot,
And had a smile find its way to your lips,
With a question asked less innocent than not.

You know those moments, not as well as me,
Because as you told me before, this can't be,
And what you said before, you can’t say anymore,
And what happened before, can't happen anymore,
Or be remembered, at least by you, or
Be told to you, at least by me.

I remember all your smiles, you know,
And store each one away. Some I write down,
And keep others near. Most aren't mine--
Or ours--to be shared, which I find I forget,
Which I hope you’ll forgive, as I remember them only
When remembering you.

I remember you still--but think I ought not--
Before you had told me, no--we should not.
It's just as it's said: “Nothing good seems to last”--
It pains me the same to see you leaving so fast.
But you don't know that, not as I do--
You never will--I can never remind you.